We don't have all the answers

Ben and I just finished watching Bill Maher's documentary "Religulous." We went directly into watching the State of the Union address (me) and playing computer games (him) so we didn't really discuss the points in the movie, and I won't be surprised if we don't. Although now I feel a little inclined to bring it up, but only because I'm thinking about it. Religion is a big issue in a lot of relationships, but in ours, it's been a total non-issue throughout. I know people who have broken off relationships because of religious differences that couldn't be overcome or major compromises that had to be made because of it. All I have to say is "Thank GOD I don't have to deal with that!"

If I even believe in such a being.

Religion isn't something I know a whole lot about or care to talk or debate about. I might just be a huge contradiction when it comes to being religious. I think it's pretty routine to associate religion with one's attendance to services at a religious institution. My church life went like this: Baptized in the Catholic church because my grandparents (Catholic) threatened to disown me if I wasn't; even though I am not and have never been Catholic. Started going to church - Methodist (like my mom was raised) when I was young. Was very involved in music at church all the way up to high school graduation, therefore attending church often. In the end of this time, I questioned religion a lot but enjoyed the music, so continued on. I actually met one of my best friends as a middle schooler questioning my beliefs in youth group - she was too. In college, I was not into church except for a short try at a church close to campus, hoping to meet some new friends (it didn't work- they were very cliquey). When I moved back to St. Louis, I immediately went back to my old church, becoming very involved again in music. People who go to church, if reading this, might be surprised about my questioning my beliefs, considering I'm pretty well known in the church for being active in it.

Which brings me to my beliefs. Let me explain: I have no idea what they are. I don't really enjoy listening to sermons or prayers or scripture. The service I go to has a sermon and a little of the other stuff, but mostly is music. That is the reason I am attracted to it. When I sing, I feel wonderful. I could go as far as to say I feel the spirit inside me. What spirit, I don't know. I like to think of it as my grandma being with me. I know I believe in spirituality. I'd like to believe in a better place for the afterlife and for those people to be with us in spirit. Sure, that works for me. The other stuff, more fundamental, more, well, religious stuff.. I dunno.

I'm one of those in between people, but I like going to church (most of the time - when the sermon is 40 minutes long, I question it!) I actually suspect others who attend my service are in between believers like me, but of course, no one would talk about it openly.

Which brings me to the idea of religion within relationships. Ben is pretty anti-church, although I've managed to get him to church several times to watch me perform in different capacities. He just doesn't feel comfortable there. Which is fine with me. Though I like it when he comes and watches me because it makes me feel good to look out and see him supporting me. We very rarely talk about religion. Although I don't consider him an atheist - because I know he has some spirituality in him outside of organized religion. We have many common interests but we also have some unique interests that the other doesn't share. I think that is important in a relationship, because being your own person helps you really feel secure in who you are as an individual rather than a couple.

I have always scorned couples who couldn't do anything without each other. Ben and I spend much of our time together, but are free to do our own thing if we want. I wouldn't have a problem with him hanging out with his buddies without me. Ditto for him. I remember in grad school, when I had a friend who got married and had to ask her husband if she wanted to do ANYTHING on her own. Really ask his permission! She had to stay home and make his sandwich for lunch because he couldn't/wouldn't do it for himself, or transfer his laundry to the dryer for the same reason. Ridiculous. I never want to be that person- I want to be my own, to have my own free thoughts and actions. And I want him also to be able to freely think, disagree with me if needed, have his own thing to do. If religion is one of these things, no problem. I can't exactly preach my beliefs when I don't even know what they are!

So no, I don't really know what I believe. What I do know: church brings me something positive in my life, so I'll keep going as long as I get good feelings from it.